I sat with my son at an outside patio wine bar on the ninth floor – the Capitol building in front of us in all its splendor, fully illuminated on the shadowed side and reflecting the soft glow of the sun as it sank below the horizon on the other. It was late November in Wisconsin and we were enjoying the unseasonably mild weather and the appropriate ending to a terrific day together. Sipping my Tempranillo, I noticed a black crow as it glided to a perfect landing on the edge of a building across the avenue, nearly eye level to where I was seated. Another bird came and bumped this one resulting in a hop of a couple inches along the ledge. As I observed their nonchalance, I looked down at the street and felt that roller-coaster uneasiness in my stomach. When I glanced back into my son’s eyes, I had must have had ‘that look’ and he asked what I was thinking. “I wonder what it must feel like to know that you can’t fall… that all you had to do was spread your wings, launch into a glide and take flight, flight that can take you anywhere. It must be what fearlessness feels like.” To which my son quickly and very wisely responded “or complete freedom”. (PLEASE CLICK ON THE TITLE ABOVE TO CONTINUE READING)
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Wow. Even as I said those words aloud, I realized their impact. It wasn’t just about birds or tall buildings or ledges or falling or flying. It was an observation about emotional fear –fear that grips us, holds power over us when we can’t find a way to shake it, and, far too often, immobilizes us. Especially so when that fear consumes our thoughts and we project it to be much larger or more worrisome than it truly deserves. I was imagining what it must feel like to not even have that kind of fear register in your consciousness in the first place. I was imagining what could be achieved if we could be completely free from that fear of falling… or failing, and what it must take to get there. It’s a feeling that is very different from confidence (or the lack thereof). Confidence is what we rely upon to get through or conquer the obstacles. I’m talking about not even knowing obstacles are there that need to be overcome – not even having them register. My son was right – ‘complete freedom’. Later, I returned to this thought and let my mind wander about the how life’s decisions made in such freedom might be different. (Yeah right, as if it were even possible to fully imagine that!) Or maybe, in many cases, the same decisions might be made, just more quickly, spontaneously and with far less consideration, deliberation, analysis, or worry. It’s extremely paradoxical that this epiphany about freedom has caused me to be even more disciplined in my approach to decision making. For major decisions I now face, I force myself to write down what I am truly afraid about, what the impact would be if what I am afraid of materialized, and all the other relevant emotions related to the circumstances – just so that I can at least be fully aware of them, even if I am not ready to address them all. I’ll admit that identifying what I am feeling is never easy, let alone putting a name to them and then dealing with those feelings. But as I try to do so, I feel a little less gravity, a little less anxiety. I know that I am not quite ready to take flight and far from experiencing complete freedom, but at least it’s a start. |