Hall of Mirrors

She spoke softly and listened intently. She quickly made one feel that in that moment the patient lying before her was the most important thing in the world to her. She affirmed the feelings of loss of dignity one necessarily suffers at this stage, coupled with the emotional pain in the realization and acceptance of the loss of basic human functionality. And she praised the caregivers and their efforts to do their work while preserving for him as much dignity as they could. But what caught me by surprise was that in that same breath she also affirmed his feeling indignant. This seeming paradox of opposing feelings or sentiments held in a common root word was confusing to me. I had to push it further, but not with her. She was in the moment and I did not want to distract or otherwise interrupt that caring visit. But it stayed with me and I had to push to find an answer to a question I couldn’t even articulate; more like a math problem, really, something to be worked out and solved, if only in my mind.

The Latin root word of course is dignitus, meaning worthy. Indignant meaning feeling or showing anger. Likely I would have thought nothing of it if she had used words such as ‘frustrated’ or ‘discouraged’ or ‘irritated’ or ‘annoyed’ to explain and affirm his feelings, but she chose the word ‘indignant’. It’s both sides of the coin of that ‘dignity’ word that stuck with me. I always thought that some feelings are considered good and others are bad; some we ought to feel and some we ought not to feel.

I skipped around some philosophical and moral theories or beliefs, like jumping on stones to cross a stream; quickly and lightly, not wanting to land too long nor splash in too deep. In doing so, I found something, or maybe it found me. It stopped me for a moment and I felt like I was standing on one of those stones, trying to balance, trying to regain momentum. I asked the question: “how can feelings of indignation be positive”?

The answer was a Hall of Mirrors – it depends on where you are standing and your perspective, which affect what you see reflected. There are ‘self-regarded’ feelings of indignation over wrongs we have suffered or perceive to have suffered; ‘other-regarding’ feelings of indignation over wrongs or injustices suffered by others; and then there are the ‘self-reflexive’ feelings of indignation over wrongs we ourselves have committed. When this is layered over a generally accepted moral belief that we should be considerate of others’ feelings and that we ought not injure others’ feelings, there is a compelling framework.

The indignation over the injustices suffered by others can lead to action; movements or causes for social change. The indignation we feel about the injustices we ourselves have suffered might be made positive if they lead us to forgiving others. The indignation we feel about the suffering we cause others might be made positive if we genuinely seek to make amends.

So, the wisdom of my hospice nurse was revealed –feelings are neither inherently good nor bad - they just are, and it’s what you do with those feelings that matters most.